~ Clean Jokes - Page 1 ~
A Funeral Service
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They then hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find the woman is actually alive.
She lived for 10 more years, and then died peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out: “Watch the fucking wall!”
Ghosts
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.
“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!? Dang it, I thought you said Goats.”
Best Friend
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, “That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?”
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, “I found my wife in bed with my best friend.”
“Wow,” says the barkeep. “What did you do about it?”
“I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out.”
“That makes sense,” remarks the barkeep. “And, what about your best friend?”
“I looked him right in the eye and yelled, Bad dog!”
Old Age Woes
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”
The 80 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The 90 year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I do my business with the gusto of a cow.”
“So what's your problem?” ask the others.
“I don't wake up until nine!”
24 Hours To Live
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, “Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?” Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Alma's shoulder and said, “Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.”
She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
“Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?”
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.”
